"Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" season premiere

Above: RHOBH star Lisa Vanderpump. Vanderpump rules!

After a shocking season of fights, feuds, and fashions, the glorious "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" returned on Bravo Tuesday night! Carlton and Joyce are gone, and nobody cares! Taking their place is campy TV lady Lisa Rinna and another lady who is sort of like her, Eileen Davidson!

Cafeteria Lady pals Shrel and Remora were more excited than anyone else for the spectacular show's triumphant return. In their play-by-play, they let you know everything about this long-awaited episode.

Shrel: First it's Kyle. No one's been waiting for her. She's planning the white party and feeling sad about being such a cunt to the divine Lisa Vanderpump last season.

Remora: Snooze! Next, it's Yolanda. I never knew Dutch ladies were named "Yolanda," I thought it was only black ladies and sometimes Puerto Rican.

Shrel: See? "Housewives" is educational.

Remora: Dutch Yolanda is hanging out with cukoo Brandi. How long until cukoo Brandi turns on her, like she does everyone else. We get a flashback of Brandi being outraged at Lisa for not hating the same people she hates.

Shrel: Well, I hear this season everyone will hate Kyle.

Remora: Girl, sign me up.


Shrel: Ooh, look it's Lisa! With Ken and dogs, sleek and sophisticated in a little black suit. And then in a gorgeous emerald gown speaking to the camera classily about how she's over these bitches.

Remora: Gowns, gowns, beautiful gowns.

Shrel: And a flashback to the dumbest fight ever: "Did you see the magazines that were in the suitcase?!?!"

Remora: Which is Kyle's bullshit again.

Shrel: Ew, the flawless Lisa is meeting the odious, lantern-jawed Kyle. And now,
a commercial!

Remora: When we return, nothing is happening. They order the same food!

Shrel: Wow. Just wow!

Remora: Kyle admits she misses Lisa. I'm sure she does.

Shrel: Lisa is wearing wider lashes than usual. More blush too, and maybe a lighter shade of hair. I like it!

Remora: Kyle wants to move forward.

Shrel: I want her to move out!

Remora: Out? Out of what?

Shrel: IDK. Beverly Hills? OMG, she's trying to start shit, and sane Lisa is all STFU.

Remora: And here is the big intro to Lisa Rinna, driving and talking on the phone to gross Kyle. I guess they are friends. Their kids were in Kaballah class together.

Shrel: Does a whole camera crew fit in Lisa's passenger seat? How does that work?

Remora: Magic?

Shrel: The magic of Hollywood! Lisa is picking up her daughters from the school bus. One of them doesn't even take out her earbuds. What a bitch.

Remora: Both daughters are jealous they didn't go to Coachella. Harry Hamlin is just happening to play guitar.

Shrel: He's wasting away!

Remora: He is starting to enter old-man's land, but such is life. OMG, he brought a rattlesnake in the kitchen?

Shrel: It's itsy-bitsy.

Remora: It's still a rattlesnake. Why didn't he bring it to Kyle's kitchen instead?

Shrel: Back to Kyle, planning her party. Sushi, and male dancers. But it's not an 80s theme. Ok.

Remora: Lisa is putting on makeup! Ken doesn't want to go to Kyle's party. It turns out Yolanda and Lisa have had lunch, but we see it only in a flashback. Yolanda's bitter-not-bitter Lisa didn't visit her when she was sick.

Shrel: At "Brandi's temporary condo," Lady Cukoo is getting ready for the party. Lisa can do her own makeup but this loon has to hire gays to do it for her.

Remora: And now it's party time. You know, Kyle's block doesn't look like it's "all that." Yolanda has arrived with a friend, not her snot husband. Oh, look Camille Grammar! And "Elizabeth." And she gives her a book by Annabelle Gerwich (sp?). A funny lady. I heard her publicizing the book on NPR last year.

Shrel: Here comes Lisa! I guess everything's great with her and Kyle now.

Remora: Wait til Kyle goes insane again.

Shrel: It won't be long! This party is kind of a snooze. White ladies saying "Hi!!" to each other. Then recaps of trouble Brandi caused in the past, with that Maloof (sp?) lady. God, Brandi's an asshole.

Remora: No we find out Kyle's daughter Porsha is every bit as pleasant as her mom.

Shrel: Now Brandi arrives at the party, mad that no one likes her, unable to see that it is because of her lousy personality and senseless actions.

Remora: OMG, she's still blaming everything on Lisa. And, uh-on, her gays are telling her to be "more assertive."

Shrel: Yeah, and her dress should be more booby.

Remora: What?

Shrel: I mean, it's an equally bad idea. Oh, look, Kim showed up!

Remora: She escaped Witch Mountain.

Shrel: Can't lie, this ep is kind of a snooze.

Remora: Brandi isn't going to talk to anyone because she has no time for petty bullshit. That makes sense.

Shrel: No, you are wrong, she wants to go talk to Adrienne.

Remora: Welp, I'm sure that's what they paid Adrienne to come for, so here we go.

Shrel: Brandi Glanville is stupid and ugly. Yeah, I said it.

Remora: Adrienne sensibly says let's not do it here, and they'll do lunch. Brandi says Lisa never forgives and forgets. She keeps saying it, all the time, over and over. It's almost as if she is the one who will not forgive and forget. If you're on this show, are you contractually obligated to be friends with these people? Because why else would Lisa bother?

Shrel: I'm with Lisa. I feel sorry for Brandi. Because she's so stupid, and maybe something is wrong.

Remora: And that's the end. Huh.

Shrel: Maybe it will be less soporific next week.

Remora: IDK, Shrel, but one thing's for sure--I'll see you then!