Above: Beautiful Cynthia Baily of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."
The episode is "All Tea, All Shade," and Shrel and Remora watched it!
Shrel: We start with Kenya and her aunt. They’re looking at flowers, and it goes nowhere.
Remora: Next, Kandi and I forget who.
Shrel: Kandi says she looks extra casual, and that is no lie. She’s still got on glitter eyeshadow, though. And now she is stirring shit with what’s her name, who I guess has a thing vs. Kenya and Cynthia is in the middle.
Remora: This show is no “RHOBH.”
Shrel: More Kenya and aunt. Aun says forgive Portia. Kenya says she dislikes neither Portia nor snakes and that snakes bite. Ok!
Remora: Back with Kandi & what’s her name--Portia! Its’ Portia!--now here comes Phaedra.
Shrel: Wow, back and forth between Kandi & the Ps and Kenya & the aunt.
Remora: What’s up with Kenya’s skin?
Shrel: IDK.
Remora: Now Kandi tells about Apollo’s apology.
Shrel: His “Apollo-gy.”
Remora: Yes, that! At last, Phaedra finally finds out it’s a lie. Did Phaera faint? Because she’s laying back and her eyes are closed. Should we call 911?
Continues
Shrel: Back to the AUnt, she says “Good for him!” for Apollo-gizing.
Remora: Kenya campilly quotes Shakespear, and I love her more. Especially if she got it wrong.
Shrel: Portia grills Phaedra about whether he kept lying to her. Phaedra wonders why he’d put her under that stres.
Remora: And she looks bad.
Shrel: Be nice--she says she owes Kenya an apology.
Remora: She does!
Shrel: I know!
Remora: Ok!
Shrel: And now, Cynthia.
Remora: Cynthia in long blonde hair, cooking. Party recap with hubby. Apollo ruined the party with his apology. Peter says he needs to apologize and Cynthia says the same thing, and that Phaedra should to. Well, Phaedra’s one step ahead of you, so don’t get too sassy about it.
Shrel: I like Cynthia and Peter.
Remora: I know you do!
Shrel: Well, I do!
Remora: Alright! No shame in your game!
Shrel: Peter says Cynthia is “amped.” Perhaps it is in fact “coked”?
Remora: Ooh!
Shrel: I don’t judge. Especially if you share!
Remora: She said “diarrhea of the mouth” at the dinner table. What ever happened to class?
Shrel: Kandi now, with Todd in a towell, and OMG are their sex toys on the bed? OMG. Saying “diarrhea” at the dinner table suddenly seems much classier? In comparison.
Remora: They’re talking baby. On TV, playing with the riding crop & the dildo.
Shrel: She’s 38, and she wants a baby now, not at 40.
Remora: Kandi’s sweet and smart and undramatic, so I take no pleasure in saying this is dull as dishwater. Even with the sex toys and male nudity.
Shrel: Now, Claudia. No one knows who she is. She is furniture shopping with Kenya.
Remora: Kenya says that she and Claudia mixed together ae like chocolate & vanilla mixed together, equaling dynamite.
Shrel: Here’s Claudia telling us who she is. “A loveablle asshole.”
Remora: How gay!
Shrel: Hmm.
Remora: She was made fun of as a child for being biracial. Her mom is from Italy!
Shrel: One time her tooth came out in bed!
Remora: How nice for her.
Shrel: Do we like her, mama?
Remora: We’ll just have to wait and see.
Shrel: Hey wait, how come there is no Nene on this episode?
Remora: I don’t know!
Shrel: Oh, here she is.
Remora: Making an entrance again with her usual flair.
Shrel: She’s vising Portia. They are acting like crazy people.
Remora: So Nene’s done with Vegas? That seemed fast.
Shrel: Portia catches Nene up, ut IDK why we have to watch it. We already know!
Remora: Isn’t it weird they always say “fellatio” and never “blow job”?
Shrel: Nene says she shan’t apologize. Now they trash Cynthia a little. I don’t understand what their problem is.
Remora: Their problem is she rides the fence and does not speak up and Nene thought they were friends!
Shrel: Back to Phaedra, playing with her kids in the pool, where it eems one is pooping.
Remora: She said that! And she didn’t take him out?!
Shrel: Apollo is at his lawyer’s--the divorce lawyer!
Remora: How classy to bring your camera crew.
Shrel: Nobody’s got no class.
Remora: The lawyer says she has the upper hand if she files when he’s “away.”
Shrel: Phaedra’s being kind of a hard ass about this, and I cannot blame her. She says taking children to the prison will traumatizing.
Remora: Will it?
Shrel: I haven’t been.
Remora: The lawyer says let’s talk privately. I guess that means withot Bravo camera.
Shrel: In that V neck sweater, it looks as though he has shaved or otherwise de-haired his chest.
Remora: And now, the longest commercial break of ever.
Shrel: Now, Claudia.
Remora: I still forget who she is when I see her.
Shrel: She’s Claudia!
Remora: What’s a way to remember that?
Shrel: IDK. OMG, another commercial after like 3 seconds with, um, er…what was that name again?
Remora: Claudia.
Shrel: That’s it!
Remora: OMG, the commercial is the kid who washes the Prius in the rain. The smug is off the charts.
Shrel: You’re so cynical. He’s green!
Remora: He’s horrid, and soon he will have pneumonia.
Shrel: Oh and Kandi & Lisa WOO! will be on the Andy show.
Remora: Thanks, I’ll pass.
Shrel: Ok, now Kandi on the show! Here come Todd & Kandi’s daughters.
Remora: And Kandi’s son! Oh, wait, that’s Todd.
Shrel: Todd’s daughter is Kayla. They say she’s 18, but she doesn’t look like it.
Remora: She wants to start her own clothing line.
Shrel: Yeah, sure, what 18 year old doesn’t.
Remora: Kandi’s daughter is just keeping her mouth shut.
Shrel: Not a bad policy.
Remora: It looks like her mother is orching her to be on TV.
Shrel: No class.
Remora: Riley wants $100 a week allowance.
Shrel: That’s so much!
Remora: That keeps you off the street.
Shrel: Kayla wants to be out to 2, but Riley says there’s no reason that’s good to be out at 2 in Atlanta. Then she throws shade at Kayla for not being in college. Ha! I like Riley.
Remora: Now, ti’s the Cynthia v. Portia battle that’s been on the commercials for the last week.
Shrel: Cynthia looks adorable in a newsboy cap and nerd glasses with white blouse with small polka dot pattern blouse. Portia looks cheap in blue hooker dress and bizarre hair ornament, an hour late.
Remora: It’s not a dress, it’s a cheap blue jumpsuit.
Shrel: Ooh, Cynthia is not having none of it. She’s the Riley of her generation.
Remora: Portia is not sorry at all for being late. What a bitch. And it was her who said to come!
Shrel: I wonder does she miss being an official Housewife.
Remora: Eugh, she’s horrid. Get the hook. I’m not even recapping her.
Shrel: Re-crapping would be more like it.
Remora: Yuck, there will be more after the commercial.
Shrel: “Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce” looks like poo. Poo poo poo.
Remora: Cynthia and Portia are still talking at each other.
Shrel: Portia looks as cheap as dirt.
Remora: Cynthia says everyone calls Portia dumber than snot. Ha!
Shrel: I would not want to be dining in thei restaurant with them, but I guess when you consented to having Bravo tables in the room, you’ve already crossed teh line.
Remora: The lunch is probably comped anyway.
Shrel: That’s what these shows are all about, after all: a free lunch.
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