"Real Housewives of Atlanta" recap, episode "All Tea, All Shade"

Above: Beautiful Cynthia Baily of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."

The episode is "All Tea, All Shade," and Shrel and Remora watched it!

Shrel: We start with Kenya and her aunt. They’re looking at flowers, and it goes nowhere.

Remora: Next, Kandi and I forget who.

Shrel: Kandi says she looks extra casual, and that is no lie. She’s still got on glitter eyeshadow, though. And now she is stirring shit with what’s her name, who I guess has a thing vs. Kenya and Cynthia is in the middle.

Remora: This show is no “RHOBH.”

Shrel: More Kenya and aunt. Aun says forgive Portia. Kenya says she dislikes neither Portia nor snakes and that snakes bite. Ok!

Remora: Back with Kandi & what’s her name--Portia! Its’ Portia!--now here comes Phaedra.

Shrel: Wow, back and forth between Kandi & the Ps and Kenya & the aunt.

Remora: What’s up with Kenya’s skin?

Shrel: IDK.

Remora: Now Kandi tells about Apollo’s apology.

Shrel: His “Apollo-gy.”

Remora: Yes, that! At last, Phaedra finally finds out it’s a lie. Did Phaera faint? Because she’s laying back and her eyes are closed. Should we call 911?

Continues

"Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" season premiere

Above: RHOBH star Lisa Vanderpump. Vanderpump rules!

After a shocking season of fights, feuds, and fashions, the glorious "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" returned on Bravo Tuesday night! Carlton and Joyce are gone, and nobody cares! Taking their place is campy TV lady Lisa Rinna and another lady who is sort of like her, Eileen Davidson!

Cafeteria Lady pals Shrel and Remora were more excited than anyone else for the spectacular show's triumphant return. In their play-by-play, they let you know everything about this long-awaited episode.

Shrel: First it's Kyle. No one's been waiting for her. She's planning the white party and feeling sad about being such a cunt to the divine Lisa Vanderpump last season.

Remora: Snooze! Next, it's Yolanda. I never knew Dutch ladies were named "Yolanda," I thought it was only black ladies and sometimes Puerto Rican.

Shrel: See? "Housewives" is educational.

Remora: Dutch Yolanda is hanging out with cukoo Brandi. How long until cukoo Brandi turns on her, like she does everyone else. We get a flashback of Brandi being outraged at Lisa for not hating the same people she hates.

Shrel: Well, I hear this season everyone will hate Kyle.

Remora: Girl, sign me up.

Happy Independence Day, Mexico!

Cafeteria Lady salutes all our neighbors South of the Border as they celebrate the joyful occasion of their independence. This raw footage of the festivities in Zocalo Square makes us wish we were there. ¡Viva México!

Wendy Williams returns, literally eats crow

Bodacious, bombastic talk show hostess Wendy Williams returned to the airwaves on Monday for the debut of season six of her raucous chat fest. Yay! But it was not all fun and games, because Wendy finally had to make good on a promise she made long ago.

You see, funny Wendy once said that she was so sure that Kim Kardashian & Kanye West would never last long--and that if they did, she would eat crow. Well, Wendy is a woman of her word, so she showed up to the set with a chef and a bottle of hot sauce. Mmm-mm! (See the clip here.)

Wendy also did her usual thing and dished all about Beyonce & Jay-Z and Nick & Mariah. She also paid an emotional, hilarious tribute to Joan Rivers, who was a guest on Wendy's show a record eight times.

After a tough summer, it's a happy day when a sensational presence like this returns to light the screen back up. Welcome back Wendy!

Lady Bunny salutes Joan Rivers

It's no secret--here at Cafeteria Lady, Joan Rivers was one of our favorite things. After her shocking death, we sometimes found ourselves wondering how we could ever go. Leave it to Lady Bunny to show the way. Joan wanted us to laugh at shocking, inappropriate, and hilarious jokes, and in this video, Bunny's got a load of them, about Joan and other showbiz legends who've died this year.

One of our favorite bits is when Bunny says that Joan died doing what she loved most--having surgery performed on herself!

Commercial: Kid washes Prius in the rain

Wondering if your kid is on drugs? One way to tell is if he does something loopy like this little weirdo, who's washing his dad's precious Prius to save water. And what kind of tree-hugging parent would let their brat pull a stunt like this. That little punk could catch pneumonia out there, but mom and dad are just gazing upon his precious little self like he's Mother Teresa or something! --Rick Tyre 

Homespun Advice for Hollywood Celebrities: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon

Cafeteria Lady entertainment blog contributor Angela Grammer knows that the stars aren't so different from the rest of us--they could use some of the plainspoken wisdom shared in families across America and the world. Today, Angela shares her heartfelt advice for Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon.

Dear Mariah & Nick,

My heart is heavy as I read that Nick has confirmed that, yes, the rumors are true: after six years of marriage, the two of you have decided to divorce. I know that it is a difficult time for you, and for your entire family, but I hope you will have a moment to hear my heartfelt words for you.

It is especially sad to see the end of marriage between two people who have seemed so devoted to one another, so in love. All of America remembers how we rejoiced just three years ago when you welcomed your precious twin children into the world. And, Mariah, when you kept a vigil by Nick's side as he suffered from kidney failure, it was the kind of loving, caring behavior that every spouse should live up to.

Now, the waggling tongues of Hollywood say that cheating is tearing the two of you apart, and that Nick has made matters worse by telling stories in public that are just too, too public. I've known many couples hurt by these issues over the years. Some of them survive the challenge, but others do not. Bonnie Fuller suggests you stick it out. Maybe that could work. But nobody except you--not Bonnie, not me--knows what goes on when you two are behind closed doors.

So, Mariah and Nick, my advice is this: only you two really know if this marriage can be saved. And I beg of you to make sure the decision is right. But don't do it for me, for your heartbroken fans around the world, or even for yourselves. The ones you need to be thinking about now are your children.

My heart is with you at this tender time. --Angela Grammer 

Bianca Del Rio is In Bed with Joan Rivers!

It's a comedy cavalcade as two of comedy's ballsiest ladies meet! Bianca Del Rio is the season 6 winner of RuPaul's Drag Race, and in this short, hilarious chat, she shows the star power that won her the prize. Has Joan ever laughed more on an episode of this innovative program? Our sources say no!

"Dating Naked": Titillating Televsion

NUDES NUDES NUDES, in your home! A TV show called "Dating Naked" is here. It's a bunch of naked people, going out on dates with no clothes on.

[Host] Amy Paffrath -- who's married to Drew Seeley -- won't be going on any nude outings anytime soon, but does think the series allows individuals to show their true selves without hiding behind their iPhones ... or all those pesky clothes. 

Will viewers take "Dating Naked" to their bosom? Or has television finally gone too, too far? Sound off in the comments. We're here for you!

Whoops! She sent a nude to her dad

Have you heard the shocking story of Nyjah Cousar? She accidentally texted a nude picture of her self to her dad! Then, as the "shit hit the fan," she told the whole story on Twitter and in videos. In one clip, her angry dad can be heard to bellow: "It's Twitter--not Titter!" We tittered.

Orange Is the New Black predictions roundup!

Have you seen the new season of Orange Is the New Black? Everyone's talking about it! And here at Cafeteria Lady, we've been practically obsessed by this thoughtful, intelligent show from the start. We even whipped up a steaming batch of season two predictions and, well--click HERE to see just how wrong we were!

"Soylent" wants to replace food!

Have you heard of Soylent? No, we don't mean Soylent Green, the 1970s sci-fi movie. We mean the new nutritional formulation that's out to replace food as we know it. Why spend time and money eating when you could drink some goo? That's the angle. The New Yorker has a long profile of the strange, provocative concoction and the compelling weirdos behind it. Cafeteria Lady doesn't always have a "long read" recommendation for you, but here's one now: The End of Food.

One Direction at Machu Picchu

The gorgeous lads of the phenomenal pop group One Direction recently paid a visit to Peru's ancient Machu Picchu! As the video shows, the highly spiritual spot seems to have put Harry & Co. in a reflective, even meditative mood. The location is one of the most beautiful destinations in the world--put it together with the powerful boy-band beauty of OD and wow, wow, wow!

Our Oscar predictions

The Academy Awards are finally here, and the excitement is mounting throughout the USA and the world! What everyone's asking themselves is Who will win?! Here's what we think!

Best Picture

Nominees: American Hustle, Captain Phillips, Dallas Buyers Club, Gravity, Her, Nebraska, Philomena, 12 Years a Slave, the Wolf of Wall Street

And the winner is: Gravity. It's a safe choice, but it looks adventurous, basically because it reminds people of 2001. The Academy loves that kind of dodge.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman. Everyone is stunned both at the loss and at the accomplishment of his life's work, now that it is done. Asking around, it seems like lots of people liked him best in Along Came Polly or Capote, but we will always remember him best as the sad loser in love with Dirk Digger in Boogie Nights.

Grammy fever!

Those Grammys last night! The indelible memories will never fade.

The big trend? Big hats! Madonna, Pharrell (pictured above with wife Helen Lasichanh), and several others rocked ludicrously large toppers. Will you be doing the same in 2014?

Angela's Adorable Animals: Hugging cat

Fur crying out loud, this might be the most purr-fect cat gif ever! The fluffy feline is as fluffy as a rug and just loves to hug. --Angela Grammer

Joan Rivers talks "In Bed with Joan"

Can she talk? Everyone knows that Joan Rivers has lots to say, and this year she's really been letting it rip on In Bed with Joan, her little YouTube show that's changing the way everyone thinks of talk shows.

In a revealing, lengthy interview with Splitsider, Joan opens up about the ideas and inspirations behind "In Bed...," her standup, and the worldview that makes her so unique. Don't believe it? Here's a sample!

You’re one of the most well-known comics out there today, why are you doing a web chat show?
Because that’s where life is now. It’s all about social media and the internet. I look at my grandson and he’s on his iPad and he’s on his iPhone and he’s reading books that are, unfortunately, no longer hardcover books. And I love that; it’s the Wild West out there. I can say what I want on the show, I can ask the questions I want, and it’s just so much fun. And there’s nobody coming to say “Well, we’re the network, and we’d rather you not do that joke.” There’s none of that. It’s all new and wonderful.

It sure is, Joan. It sure is.

Watch Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, on Amazon

Dot Wiggin Band

Fans of "outsider music" are "Wiggin out"! Why? Why, because of the new album by the Dot Wiggin Band! Dot was the singer and guitarist for the Shaggs, a bizarre sister act that formed in the isolation of rural New Hampshire, pushed by their father/manager, who didn't notice or didn't care that instead of the rock 'n' roll chart-toppers he wanted to hear, the girls were producing twisted, out-of-tune oddities. That was in the 60s. Flashforward a couple decades, and artsy people got hip to the unusual sound and the Shaggs' accidental similarities to the Velvet Underground and other members of the avant garde. Flashforward some more decades, and all of a sudden the reclusive Dot has a new record out, and it is great! It's a jangly, indie rock charmer with more polished edges than the Shaggs ever knew, but it's still got some sweetly freakly moments. Hear the lead single, "Banana Bike," here! 

Dot Wiggin Band, "Ready Get Go"
The Shaggs, "Philosophy of the World"

New "In Bed with Joan" with some lady

It's a new In Bed with Joan! Who's coming out of her closet tonight? Kris Jenner. She's kind of boring. Everyone probably knows that already. But Joan's funny! Watch anything with Joan--it doesn't matter who's on.